[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*