Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

I’m the neighbor

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?