[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
In banana years, I am bread.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem