Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective