CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
are they though??
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Challenge accepted.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.