CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
doing your own taxes
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
