CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Ugh but profoundly
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
