CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I have a new favorite meme page
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
