Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

this made my day 😂

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.