Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

greetings!

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂