Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!