CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it