Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

I’d … I’d rather not.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby