Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

I’M CRYINGGG

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.