Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Think I pulled my liver

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.