cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.