cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I want what they have
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon