cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
You Might Also Like
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet