Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
seems fine
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me as a therapist: omg same