Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
![]()
You Might Also Like
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
LOL
![]()
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich