Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*