cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Mornin
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
