cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
normalize having existential bread
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
