Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
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One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator