Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?