Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.