Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?