Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

rip to my favourite tweet

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.