Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
i will not be silenced
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.