Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

My apartment is a mess, I should move

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.