Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?