Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

paddle faster i hear baby shark

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?