Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.