Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
(more comics:
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.