Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.