Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order