Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Who does Amazon think I am?