Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

🇺🇸🤭

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Remember folks 😂

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”