Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *