Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

How do you like your Corgi?

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

😝

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

How it started: How it’s going:

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?