Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Alexa: *deep breath*

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.