Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.