Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
You Might Also Like
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.