Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”