Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.