Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Breakfast for Stoners:
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The days of good grammer has went
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Autocorrect completely socks
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.