Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You Might Also Like
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…