Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress