Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My hips? Compulsive liars.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?