*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.