Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”