*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Arrest that man!
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.