Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

They’re called werewolves.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”