Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awesome parenting 😂

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.