Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself