Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.