Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[at the general store]
me: one general please
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl