Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

The Book. The Movie.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober