Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

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Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.


If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.


If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!


I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.


I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.


My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.


Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”


Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.