Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda