Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
You Might Also Like
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”