Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
God, I love Scotland
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars