Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.