Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

This is my bus stop.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific