Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
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I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Now colored!
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I can’t be the only one 😂
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.