Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
first you must answer his riddles
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
smh
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.