Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
A dad and his duck
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?