Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.