Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

“no gods no masters” = leo

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..